Mets first base dilemma solved in the weirdest way

The Mets finally have a resolution to their first base problem but not in a way that anyone saw coming. Ike Davis will take over as the main option at first as his primary competition, Lucas Duda, is giving up baseball to join the priesthood.

“Ike is a good man and I want nothing more than for all of the fans to embrace him as the starting first baseman for the New York Mets, much like I embrace my decision to join the Catholic Church,” Duda said in a prepared statement issued by the club. “I feel like a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders with my decision to retire from baseball. No longer will I have to wake up in a cold sweat, worried about threats from old people about playing the outfield.”

As weird as it sounds, a move from baseball to religion has recent precedent in MLB. After a breakthrough season in the minors in which he hit 31 HR, A’s prospect Grant Desme retired from baseball, took a vow of chastity, poverty and obedience, and became Frater Matthew Desme.

Duda claims to have never heard about Desme’s story. Instead, the man once nicknamed “Buffalo Head,” insists that he first started thinking about a new career after watching the Clint Eastwood movie, “Pale Rider.” In that movie, Eastwood is a preacher who comes to a gold mining camp at the end of the California Gold Rush. Before all is said and done he kills 11 people.

“Everyone thinks religious leaders are men of peace but Clint Eastwood proves that’s not necessarily true,” said Duda. “Sure, sure you look for non-violent ways first, that’s always the first thing you do. But if that doesn’t work, you can’t be afraid to launch sticks of dynamite into the air to get your point across. And if that’s not enough, you just have a final showdown and beat them quick-draw style.”

Duda always seemed to be a gentle giant on the baseball field. Some fans wished he played with more passion and most everyone wished he hit more homers. Given that, it was a shock to everyone that Duda wished to become a vigilante priest.

“You spend six months of the year with these guys,” said former teammate Daniel Murphy. “We eat together, travel together and of course spend all the time practicing and playing. Not once in the three-plus years we were teammates did Lucas ever give any indication that religion played that strong of a role in his life. To say I’m stunned about this would be an understatement.

“Shoot, I’m surprised he was able to stay awake for the Eastwood flick. Paying attention has never been his strong suit.”

His teammates were shocked by the news, yet Duda was a popular player in the clubhouse and the universal reply was respect for his decision. Davis wishes his pal Duda nothing but the best in the next chapter of his life. But his thoughts are firmly in turning his career around and becoming an All-Star caliber player.

“I’m tired of all the grief I get about constantly changing batting stances, chasing pitches a foot out of the strike zone every time I get to two strikes, my refusal to slide on close plays on the basepaths and my indifference to fielding close ground balls,” Davis said.

“I’m going to quit arguing with umpires, pick one stance and stay with it and I’m going to get my uniform dirty both running the bases and playing the field. That’s the way I played before Duda got to the majors and that’s the way I’m going to play now that he’s gone.”

Meanwhile, Duda was last seen studying for his new role in life by taking notes on George Carlin’s performance as a Cardinal in “Dogma.”

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