Leaked transcript of a recent Mets managerial interview

Did you ever wonder what goes on in these never-ending managerial interviews? Lucky for you, we’ve obtained an audio copy of one of the recent ones. We’re going to keep the name of the individual interviewing a secret so that you aren’t unnecessarily excited or scared should he actually get the job. The transcription was done by me and the audio isn’t always great, so in some cases the responses are guesses.

Brodie Van Wagenen – Hey [redacted] thanks for meeting with me again. I’m sorry this is taking so long but like I said before, since I never represented you as a client previously, I need to make sure I’ve turned over all of the stones. Don’t want to end up having to fire you a week after I hire you, you know?

Candidate – I understand. Never thought anyone would consider giving me this type of job, so I’m happy to answer every question you have.

BVW – OK, so Jacob deGrom is cruising in the game, your pitching coach and bench coach tell you he’s good and deGrom himself says if you take him out, he’ll throw his glove at you and throw you under the bus to the media. But I call in from my couch and tell you to take him out – what do you do?

C – Wow, I hope they’re all this easy. Nothing is more important in my job than carrying water for the GM. I take him out. Also, I pick up the glove and give it back to him and tell him I’ve got a feeling he’ll want to use it again in a couple of days. And then I’ll smile at the press after the game and tell them what a joy it is to have a competitor like deGrom on my side.

BVW – OK, Robinson Cano has two hits in his last 50 trips to the plate. How do you handle that?

C – Well, Cano was good on another team many years ago, so there’s no doubt that he’ll start hitting again at any moment. I’ll keep batting him third and play him every day, no matter how long it takes to get results.

BVW – A bunch of Jeff Wilpon’s buddies from college show up at the ballpark 20 minutes before game time and want to meet with you. What do you do?

C – Um, is this really a thing?

BVW – Yes and be careful in your answer. This could be what determines if you get the job.

C – Ah, I, um, wow, wow, wow. I really want to give the right answer. I guess I’d ask myself, “What would Brodie do?” And then do that.

BVW – Yeah, it’s really important to be able to think on your feet in this job. Can you believe another candidate told me he’d call me and ask me right then and there what to do? Like I’d give him my home number! I don’t want to be that comfortable with the manager.

C – [Nervous chuckle] So, what would I tell him?

BVW – Happens all of the time. Tell him you’re talking to the press and will get up with him as soon as you can get away from the jackals.

BVW – Speaking of the press, what do you do when they ask you who’s responsible for the moves that happen during a game?

C – I tell them that I’m in constant contact with you before each game and that we always discuss multiple things and that we’re on the same page. But when push comes to shove, I’m responsible for all of the moves that are made. I take credit for ones that work and blame the players for not executing properly when the move fails. You know, blame them without naming them. And smile when I’m doing this. Because it’s important that the press considers me a likeable guy.

BVW – Yeah, I might have let Mickey Callaway stay if he hadn’t cursed out that reporter. I didn’t mind so much getting swept by the Marlins but losing your cool in front of a reporter – that gets you tons of bad ink in this town.

BVW – How do you handle it when Yoenis Cespedes comes back this year?

[Laughter fills the room, can’t make out what was said]

BVW – A player wants to pal around with you and hang out in your office rather than the clubhouse. What do you do?

C – Well, I consult my list and see if it’s someone you used to represent or someone that you brought to the team. If it is, then he can do whatever he wants.

BVW – Sometimes I get called to do things last minute and I can’t be two places at once. If I asked you to pick up my dry cleaning, is this something you’d be willing to do?

C – Yeah, yeah – no problem. Happy to help.

BVW – My brother-in-law doesn’t have much luck with women. Do you have someone you can set him up with for company outings?

C – Well, I’ve been married for a number of years and don’t know many single women. But I could make some calls. I’m a team player.

BVW – I carry a lot of stress in my feet. Do you mind giving me a foot rub on the plane when we’re on a road trip?

C – Um, er, er, um – I really want the job but like I said before, I’m a married man and I don’t think I should be seen rubbing another man’s foot in public. Not that there’s anything wrong with your feet. Could we do this in private, instead?

BVW – [hearty laugh] – My feet are fine and I don’t ride on the team plane.

BVW – Well, [redacted] I’m starting to feel really comfortable with you. I’ll need to report back on this interview with the Wilpons but I can just about guarantee you that you’ll advance to the next stage and get another interview.

C – Great, great

BVW – We should be done once we’ve done four rounds of interviews. Five, tops. We’ll be in touch.